Friday, August 15, 2008

Mom's Presence

As the anniversary of my mom's death approaches, you'll have to bear with me. Memories of my mom are flooding my mind lately and I desperately feel the need to set them free. Whenever I feel the need, I will share them with you.
It has been 341 days since I last saw my mom alive and spoke to her. Actually I still speak to her often, but it is mostly me asking for her to let me know she is there. Max says that he talks to her and she talks back. I am jealous of my little boy. I think she probably does talk to him. He misses her so much and doesn't have any of the questions or uncertainty I can't seem to let go of. I have convinced my son that Grandma is in Heaven, but by his side always, even though he can't see her. He has no doubt. He is satisfied with that. Why can't I be? My sister has had dreams about her. My mom told us she would visit us in our dreams. I am still waiting. They say that when you lose someone, time makes it easier. I find the opposite true. The more time that passes, the less you can trick your mind. I can't pretend she'll be coming back...that she is on a long vacation.
A couple of years ago, my parents started building their cabin in the mountains- it was to be their retirement getaway. My mom was able to enjoy it for about a year. She is in every inch of that place, from the "Cabin, this way!" sign on the porch to every patchwork quilt carefully and perfectly chosen for every room. She kept a collection of stuffed bears in a rustic canoe in one of the rooms that the kids look forward to playing with on each visit. She filled it with Grandma's love. She dreamed of spending days on the porch with my dad, watching her grand kids play in the late-afternoon summer rain.
Last week, that is just what we did. I feel my mom's presence most when I am at her cabin. That must be where she is spending most of her time. When I begin to feel I am losing faith that she is still close by, relaxing in the mountains renews it once again.


Wendy said...

oh Sara, this post gave me chills and tons of tears! I just saw on my calendar the other day that the year anniversary was approaching, I cannot believe it! I am so sad that your mom couldn't have enjoyed her cabin, her retirement, her grandkids, you and Brianne and your Dad for many more years! It makes me angry~angry at cancer I guess, I miss her too, I can only imagine how much you guys and your Dad feel! Im sooo glad you all have the cabin to go to, a place that helps you feel closer to her! I so sorry that it isnt any easier with time, I cant imagine that it would be! I am sure she is watching over her family, how could it be any other way?? I LOVE the pictures you took of Elle! I also love that Uncle Phil is so cute with his grand kids, Im sure they help him get through his days!! Hang on tight, Im sure these next few days wont be easy! Ill check in with you later!! Your Mom would be soooo proud of you guys, and how strong you are!!!

Love you tons!

Brianne Skidmore said...

Thank you. Thank you for bringing Mom back through your memories and words. I can feel her with me, now. Love you.

Kacie said...

Sara~ Your amazing to me. I wish I could be more like you. You are so brave and strong, way more than you think. I KNOW your mom is there watching over you. And I know your Heavenly Father loves you SOOO much. Im not sure how I would handle losing my Mom, but I know it wouldn't be near as good as you have. I think that is pretty neat about Max. I hope you feel your Moms love around all the time, but she is there watching over you and cheering you on. I know it!! Like my Mom said How could it be any other way!!!

Keri said...

Oh Sara, my eyes are filled with tears as I read this. I am so sorry that you have to go through all this pain. Your mom is with you every day. I think she shines through you in how you mother your children, even if you don't feel her, she is there with you in everything you do. You are an amazing mother Sara, just like she was, and she must be so proud of you.

I'm so glad you have the cabin to get away to. How great for you and your kids to feel her presence and enjoy the place she created for all of you. Your kids look so happy there!

Kim Davis said...

I am so sorry you are feeling down. I think when people say "time makes it easier", I think they mean that with time acceptance comes, not necessarly the end of sadness. It takes everyone different amounts of time to go through the grieving process. Acceptance is last and it's ok if you aren't there yet. I think that a little peace comes with acceptance and maybe Max is already there. Kids are amazing.
Just know it is ok to feel everything you are feeling and that your mom will always live inside of you.

Jeff and Kristy said...

This post brought many tears to my eyes. I can't imagine losing anyone in my family especially my mom. Your mom must have been amazing because I think you are an amazing mom and have raised your kids so great. Call me if you ever need to get out or just need to talk. Love ya!

Melissa said...

Hang in there. It must be so hard. She was one neat lady (and a tough english teacher).