Sunday, March 29, 2009

Always Near

On Friday night, I went for a long run.

I am a morning runner,
but because of a busy weekend ahead, the evening seemed to be the only time I'd be able to get my run in for the week.

I don't consider the evenings quiet and peaceful. Mine usually include rushing from practices, scrambling through homework and dinner, and battling little ones who don't want to wind down. I've always sort of been grateful for my hectic nights. "Stay busy." If I just immerse myself in daily life, I just won't have time to think about it. I won't have time to miss her. I fill my life with appointments, obligations, and deadlines. It is denial in action. I know this and this is how I cope.

It is no coincidence that we call the difficult times in our lives the dark periods. Coming out of the darkness...we've heard it many times. There is just something in the evening, when our bodies and minds relax, and our thoughts become pensive and introspective. I think of it as the emotional part of the day. It's when that sadness that I shove deep down in my heart all day becomes more difficult to repress.

So, at eight o'clock, I find myself running near the orange groves. It is silent and so dark that I can no longer see the path in front of me. My thoughts immediately turn to my mom and even the overwhelming aroma of orange blossoms can't distract my mind. I miss her... I want to talk to her... If we just had another... Wouldn't she have loved...the thoughts run through my head like news scrolls across a television screen. And, then the tears come. Running and crying. No noise, just a steady stream rolling down my face. When my mom died, I didn't lose her all at once. I lost her in pieces over time. It is the blessing and curse of disease. Once she was gone, her presence slowly began to disappear. I saw less of her friends. Her scent gradually faded from her house. The kids stopped saying her name. And, suddenly... all of her... gone. Every now and then, it happens and the realization that she is gone forever is overwhelming.

I had one of those moments on the pavement along the orange groves. I pulled myself together, wiped the tears, and ran home.

The next night, I received an email message and slide show from my Aunt Wendy. She included a note, "Hope this doesn't make you sad." It came just when I needed it and it didn't make me sad...made me smile.

The final slide read,

Your mother is always with you...she's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your mother lives inside your laughter...And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space...not even death.


Davis Family Ü said...

Oh Sara.. I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry for your sadness. Kim

Lindsey Wood-Felstead said...

Sara, hang in there. I thought the 2nd year of my dad being gone was worse then the first. The reality of him being gone really sunk in and I felt completely overwhelmed and sad. I felt like the rest of the world was getting on with their lives and had forgotten about my Dad while I was constantly reliving the pain night after night. I promise you that your pain will become less but that you will never forget the wonderful times you have shared with her and all that you've learned from her. I hope you are feeling better today but if not, give me a call and we can cry together!

heathermommy said...


Thanks for sharing this. So eloquent. It's hard, just plain hard. And I am sorry that you are going through this.

Wendy said...

Oh Sara!! I am SURE this is the hardest thing you have had to go through! Especially hard because Your Mom was so good at being a Mom and you guys were so close, so you have so much to miss! Im sorry you dont still have her, Im sorry we all still dont have her! She definitely left us too early~but always know that you will see her again and the hardest part will be missing her here on Earth! I hope with time things will get a litle bit easier~at least not as painful! I TOTALLY understand those hard crys when you are alone in the dark!~they are intense, but hang on tight to your incredible memories you shared with your Mom~those are so priceless, hopefully those will help you get through! Always remember you have TONS of family that love you so much and are here for you ANYTIME!!!
Love you TONS!

Keri said...

That was beautiful. What a blessing that was from Wendy, just when you needed it. Your mom was an amazing mom, and so are you.

You are awesome for running on a Friday night. You can barely get me off the couch on a Friday after a long week!

shelenec said...

Before I got pregnant I would run at night when Jared got home and I swear that my dad was with me all the time. There was always at least one big star out even when the nights were gross. And I loved to think that was him watching over me. It gave me the comfort I needed to handle my next day. I think it gets harder as time goes on. With this baby coming it just makes me so sad that he won't know my dad at all. So I totally understand how you were feeling. I was closer to my dad than anyone in my life and it feels like a big part of me is gone. I try everyday to get a little of myself back. I hope you have a wonderful week. Tell Lance HI and that I am going to have the baby today. I will keep you all updated.

SMPS Fan Club said...

I'm glad that you have so many incredible and loving friends. Thank you for sharing such personal and beautiful thoughts with us. You inspire me to not take those I love for granted.

Natalie Hall said...

You write incredibly... You make the reader feel like they are right there with you. So touching, and beautiful at the same time. Sara, you and Brianne amaze with your strength....

kayts said...

Sara, what a brave thing to write down your thoughts and feelings. You have such a great gift of writing. I am so sorry for your loss you what you have felt and hope you know that you have touched many people's lives.

Anonymous said...

There Will Be A Day-Jeremy Camp
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing